How proud would your mum be if all you did for a living was shave the pointy bits off fonts?

Ours neither.

The worst thing about Everton-gate? It wasn’t that the so-called People’s Club ran roughshod over the feelings of the, um, people (I’m a Blue, but I’m not so feeble-headed as to think that The People’s Club is anything more than a brand extension). No, the worst thing is that it reveals a inconvenient truth: that Everton have succumbed to the deathly hand of the branding police.

What they’ve shown, spectacularly, is that, while they’re masters of achieving a lot with very little, they’re also pretty adept at spunking their precious loose change up the wall too.

Still, at least they saved money on their contrite apology. They obviously got their nana to write it:

“Our solution, in a globalised, technology-led world,” they say, in a way that makes those words sound like a vicar talking about cunnilingus, “was to present one word, loudly and clearly.”

Hey, Dictionary Corner, isn’t Fuck-up technically two words?

Now listen carefully, nana’s about to give us all the science:

“Effective logos are simple and streamlined. Simplicity achieves stand-out recognition. This was our starting point for our new Crest.”

OK. I see your simple and streamlined logos, and I give you Manchester United.

A red devil holding a trident, a three masted schooner at full sail, two footballs and swirly ribbony things top and bottom (sorry, heraldry GCSEs were dropped at our school. Bloody THATCHER)

So, yeah. How the hell are Man U ever gonna shift any merch? They’ve completely failed Nanna Everton’s logo masterclass there, haven’t they?

Oh wait, what’s that? Manchester United shifted £135 trillion worth of official coaster sets last year. In Thailand alone?


See, the problem with the brand police is that they’re running scared. One day, we will all wake up and realise: they do fuck all, and what little they do is built on the sort of logic that gave us New Coke, Lisa Simpson pleasuring Bart in the Olympic logo, Marathons becoming Snickers (still furious about this one) and everything that’s WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY. We should be building cars. Instead we’re deconstructing crests.

The problem is – there was no problem with the crest. The problem is, EFC is not a big brand around the world. Solution? Change the one distinctive thing about them, and lose those nonsense phrases: I mean, they’re not even real words. They’re just lorem ipsum placeholder words for fucksake, yeah?

rsz_liverpool-logoSuch is the deadheadedness of the branding police. Just because they didn’t study a ‘proper’ degree, they think the rest of us are too thick to know what a Vivarium is, so they insist our museum call it The Bug House. Great, until you realise that, etymologically speaking (oh wait, more nonsense words) most of the creatures in there aren’t of the insect order Hemiptera.

Still, no matter. It’s good to see that Everton’s branding police have really taken hold in the city. They’ve applied their rigorous, science based methodologies to that totally unstreamlined and downright ugly bird on the Liverpool crest.

We hope you like it. Now can we get on and focus on the trivial shit, like finding a decent manager with smooth edges and a name that looks lovely in Helvetica? Thank you.

5 Responses to “Everton: A Race To The Bottom”

  1. Dave Coakley

    A lot of the commentary on this misses the point entirely, which is that this isn’t just about people getting upset about heritage and design. This is just another example in a long line of examples of the clubs administration sticking two finger up to the fans. Also yet another example of the absolute incompetence of the clubs board of directors.

    Let’s examine this in greater detail….

    The club is 60 million in debt, made 9 million pound losses and according to the trading accounts must pay it’s Barclays overdraft (10 million) later this summer and renegotiate it’s longer term debts (they have triple mortgaged their assets to the hilt). The club is manager less having lost the best manager they have had in a generation, due to the board’s lack of ambition, and what’s worrying is that this came as a massive shock to Bill Kenwright despite it being the biggest open secret in football and despite Moyes refusing to sign a contract extension and stalling all year. We’re losing our entire coaching staff and our skipper. Over half of the squad is heading towards their mid 30’s and need replacing soon. The club plays in an antiquated stadium and the board have two ground move failures on their record.

  2. James

    In fairness, the graphic of Prince Rupert’s Tower looks a lot more in keeping with the real thing now.

    In this globalised, technology-led world, someone could easily have googled for a picture of it and compared it to the old logo, which I think depicts it as a towering, mystical fairytale like construction reaching for the sky, and instead found images of a pointy-yet-pointless looking squat little hut on a grassy hill.

    The hut, though, was “inaugurated” in 1787, rather than 1878 (according to every trusty wikipedia).

  3. Earl Barrett's flat-top

    I didn’t originally like the badge because (colour wise) it looks too much like scummy Leeds, but there was a good piece on Creative Review which went into detail about where the design came from. It wasn’t just plucked out of a bin the designers actually thought about it (which probably makes it worse in some people’s eyes). This piece goes into luddite world for me. Anyway here’s a link to the piece http://www.creativereview.co.uk/cr-blog/2013/may/everton-crest

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