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Mahogany of thigh, and flaring of nostril, the whinnying thoroughbred that is Amanda Harrington undoubtedly shares some DNA with our city. But in last night’s debut of Desperate Scousewives it was hard to shake off the notion that she was anything more than a pantomime Red Rum who’s temporarily unseated its rider.

Chased around town by a field of willing fillies and greasy geldings, la Harrington tries, but spectacularly fails, to do that one thing that the rest of us find almost second nature – act naturally.

We shouldn’t mock. Ms Harringon’s good work for our city stretches back to the time she was known as the People’s PA – vigilantly alerting young jobseekers when it was time to sign on, or turn on the hydroponic system in the attic. We can’t imagine any other reason her calendar-buying public would care what day of the week it was. Still, last night, we were treated to the local celeb’s best moves, on the bed of a swanky hotel, with her mini-me, nurse-cum-calendar girl-in-waiting – and Abby Crouch-cousin – Chloe.

It’s something la Harrington’s used to. Her previous career consisted largely of tirelessly rubbing her rented polyester knickers over the hotel sheets of the city for Echo fashion spreads. Soon after her demonstration in the Malmaison, the cladding started to fall off the wall. God knows what it must be like to live underneath her.

Taking the TOWIE ‘structured reality’ format and importing it to our shores, the rules of Desperate Scousewives’ engagement are simple: take ‘real people’ follow their lives, and place them in ‘environments in which the narrative of their lives, and their emotional context will be played out’. Apparently.

But there’s a proviso: ‘Some scenes have been created for entertainment purposes’ we’re told.

That’s a matter of opinion. For the sad fact is, like the ersatz frocks and the Swarovski baubles, Desperate Scousewives is just a third rate copy – a knock off as disposable, cheap and tawdry as a counterfeit Prada handbag from the Stanley Dock market. It might smell a bit like TOWIE, might look a little like Made In Chelsea, but Desperate Scousewives is a fake bake – and no mistake.

Ironically, the one thing it proves beyond all doubt is that this roll call of castaways simply can’t do ‘structured reality’ – anyone with a Bright House plasma TV (we’re guessing that’s a good 2/3rds of the audience) could see their strings being pulled as the pitiful players were plonked into position. You can almost hear their botox brows breaking into micro furrows when the director shouts ‘show us some emotional context’.

Curious, when you think about it – acting is surely when they’re at their most comfortable. How else could anyone sit through the Juice FM Style Awards and not piss themselves laughing?

“Why do you get all this free stuff?” asks Chloe to Amanda, as they ‘shop’ in Ted Baker.

“Coz of my column. People just throw stuff at me. Free’s my middle name,” she whines.

Ms Harrington is indeed a woman of many talents. An esteemed journalist, her weekly column is commissioned by the Echo (we say column. We might, if we weren’t legally minded, say ‘begging letter for free shit’). But there can be few columnists working in Britain today whose Google results shoot up when you simply enter the search query “ + titwank”. We know for a fact that Jeanette Winterson’s positively plummet. The Echo – who’ve sadly shed many, many fine journalists over the past four years – certainly know which writers to keep hold of.

A complaint has already been lodged with the Advertising Standards Commission concerning Ms Harrington’s column: we think it’s unethical that Ms Harrington uses ‘editorial’ space to promote her own businesses, and that of her friends.

“We spoke with the publishers who explained that these were regular columns commissioned by them and that they had full editorial control and the power to remove any content that they wished,” the ASA told us.

Currently, in her column, Harrington’s hawking her ‘Become The Fase’ Competition: the chance to win the opportunity to be Amanda Harrington for the day. The entry cost for the competition? It’s £35.*

The British Model industry watchdog warns against such practices.“No legitimate modelling agency, scout or competition will ever ask you for money. If an agent sees real potential in you, they’ll get you snapped, and get their cut from the fees the model gets from future clients,” they say.

Miss England, the official English qualifier for Miss World, is free to enter. Obviously the chance for some hapless Saturday girl to become ‘Miss Amanda Harrington’ for the day is worth far more.

“They state that she is a freelance reporter commissioned by them to write this regular blog. They assured us that this was not an ad feature and that they simply missed this particular reference to the competition.” says the ASA.

“We didn’t know about this competition, but we’re looking into it,” says a spokesperson for Echo’s Woman’s Editor, Susan Lee.

*(Update: since this piece was written, the competition is now free to enter).
Amanda Harrington
“People don’t see the other side of me, doing the school run. I’m just like any other mum,” Harrington says, as she sticks her index finger into her mouth and thrusts her mummy breasts over the edge of the four poster.

Elsewhere, a cast of grotesques provide characterisations so thin and soulless we’re convinced they’ve simply dusted down the figurines from Lewis’s grotto and brushed them up against the racks at Cricket.

Jaiden (He’s ‘Britain’s Bitchiest Blogger’ apparently. We’ve checked: he’s confusing wit with excessive use of exclamation marks. Oh, and he’s a man who says ‘I’m not being funny, but…’. I think that’s all we need to say about him) provides the dramatic denoument – tweeting nasty things about Harrington during the ‘Style Awards’. Honestly, even typing this stuff is making us want to slip into a warm bath with a Gillette Fusion.

Elissa Corrigan, describes herself as a ‘straight-talking journalist’. We’re not being funny, but anyone who calls themselves ‘straight talking’ is right behind Jeremy Kyle in the queue…

A couple of years ago, The Echo proclaimed Corrigan as one of Merseyside’s 25 Most Glamorous Women. She’s helped their arts editor, (then Culture Reporter) Catherine Jones, to write features in the past.

“Elissa is hackette by day and femme Tarzan by night, swinging through Liverpool’s urban jungle of bars, clubs and parties,” swoons the Echo. SevenStreets is offering a prize to anyone who knows what that sentence actually means. 

Joe, Adam and Danny are the three musketeers, cheerfully talking about ‘eating meat from a buffet’ – but they’re not, despite their Viva Brazil location, talking about fine charcuterie. They’re talking about sleeping with a lot of ladies. Because they’re young. And free. And shallow, sickening and soulless.

Jodie’s returned from London – with a speciality up her sleeve. The Scouse eyebrow. It’s the most clunkingly cringeworthy piece of television this side of Richard Madeley’s Ali G impression, with a jaunty soundtrack straight outta The Planet’s Funniest Animals. Which fits, as the eyebrows resemble two skunks in a face-off.

“Now I can get my life back on track,” she says, after the eyebrow scores a hit with her employers – and, surprise surprise, the producers: who relish the opportunity to push another vapid and nasty stereotype into the public consciousness. And, in doing so, try their very best to push us back into the box labelled ‘thick northern scum’.

There is some salvation. As Amanda Harrington presents the award for ‘Most Stylish Scouser’ – there is a pause: ‘Coleen Rooney can’t be with us tonight.’

This might be the single most impressive thing Coleen Rooney’s ever done.

To survive, and to grow into the social media, Heat mag-memes they’re so desperate to become, programmes like this need to be car-crash compulsive viewing. Desperate Scousewives is no more of a blood rush than a bump on the Formby by-pass.

Move along, people. Nothing to see here.

David Lloyd

SevenStreets on Facebook | SevenStreets on Twitter

  • datura

    Absolutely brilliant! Incredibly witty and exceedingly well written.

  • thetrestles

    And that, dear readers, is why. Flawless DL. Nice one.

  • LiverpoolRR

    Brilliant article, I couldn’t agree more. It is an endless procession of vacuous stereotypes that, as well as being awful TV, does real damage to the reputation of the city.

  • yelly

    Quite possibly the greatest review I’ve ever read. David Lloyd, take a bow son.

  • http://psdesignuk.com/ psdesignuk

    Hit the nail on the head. Now, we just need some nails in the coffin for this show and have done.

  • RobRose

    Good article pity you will never get a column in the Echo or any other paper while the hardworking Amanda and Coleen are around

  • http://www.sevenstreets.com David

    Cheers Rob. I did used to work for Trinity Mirror (full disclosure!). I lost my job.

  • Julie Jones

    All I can say is “well there’s an hour of my life i’ll never get back again” !!

  • Joe Forrest

    I didn’t watch it, and never would, but thank you for saving me the trouble. I feel sick just from reading the article (brilliantly written!) urgh!

  • Rob Rose

    Opium for the masses while the rich get richer and laugh at us

  • neilg

    @RobRose Yeah – they’ve really cornered the market there. All the broadsheets are completely out of bounds to everyone now aren’t they?

  • Si Kenyon

    Great article, summed up perfectly.

  • RobRose

    Paddy Shennan in the Echo tries to make out it was all a bit tongue in cheek iam afraid these people believe this is the way to live.Do we really want these people to be role models for are kids,most young girls want to be Jordan.The rich and celebrities are fiddling while Rome burns

  • KT

    Excellent journalism.

  • Moptop

    Hugely entertaining review and sharply written. I really don’t need to watch the show – your writing is far more entertaining.

  • Laura Robertson

    I’m glad you watched it for me and wrote this superb article!

  • Nina NookandWillow Halliwell

    brilliant writing as ever Dave… we love u x

  • Jonathan Gard

    ‘Begging letter for free shit’ – brilliant!

  • Margi Collins

    Brilliant article, and if I was wearing a hat right now, I’d tip it to David Lloyd!! x

  • Katie Smith

    “how else could anyone sit through the Juice FM style awards and not piss themselves laughing” Absolute genius.

  • Niamh Crimson

    Love David Lloyds write up says it all. ‘Plastic Scousers’ we’ve been plagued with them for years.

  • LiahCurtisBudworth

    fantastic writing and a very well said, it was awful x

  • http://condensedthoughts.blogspot.com/ Correspondent

    Would you want a column in the Oldham Echo? @RobRose

  • Helen

    I hold my hands up and admit that I did watch it, I didnt expect it to be in any way good, but I was hoping it would be a kind of ‘so bad its good’ guilty pleasure. Instead I thought it was actually kind of boring, nothing vaguely endearing about these loons at all. I also found it slightly diffcult to follow because pretty much everybody looked exactly the same (5/6 in the pic above). Don’t think I’ll be watching again

  • ImDeadFunny

    Amanda Harrington: If you’re reading this, please set yourself on fire.

  • JennyWilliams

    I cringe when I see scousers on tv period. They are usually always portrayed as a typical scouse stereotype – a thick ugly slapper or a toothless thief or vice versa when there are a lot of beautiful talented intelligent honest people in Merseyside. You can guarantee if there is a scouser on Jeremy Kyle they will have no teeth whether male or female. And when I heard about DS I knew that it would be exactly like Jeremy Kyke but with make up, teeth and worse scripts. I sky+ it just in case it was actually any good but now I can delete without having to hide behind my cushion like I do with any horror movie.

  • RobRose

    @Correspondent Good point dont forget the regional telly and now radio all Manchester.According to Roger Phillips a lot of top people over there in the bbc are from Liverpool well they must just keep there mouths shut and think of the money

  • RobRose

    @neilg To expand on my point, whats so hard working about getting your agent to put you on every gravy train thats going ie perfume,books,columns in papers which leads you on to celebrity tv,i wont say reallity theres nothing real about them

  • Littoral

    What might help would be if the various restaurants, bars, shops involved in this London-media smear on Liverpool were informed that allowing the dreadful show to film in will not result in more business for them but we, the people of Liverpool, who seem to be just about against it 100%, will boycott their shops instead.

    So we’ve got so far, Newz, Bem Brazil and the “Hilton”…

  • neilg

    @RobRose @neilg sorry I totally misread your original comment, my bad.

  • Deborah Payne

    Interesting to see that Amanda Harrington is now plugging her ‘Fase’ competition as ‘free to enter’. Wonder if she read your article Dave? 😉

  • Sevenstreets

    AH. That’s VERY Interesting. Thanks Deborah…

  • Charlotte74

    Great write up. Love the title, shame it was pants.

  • Little Nancy

    Slightly related to this programme … what has happened to the Scouse accent since I left the city during the early 1970s? It sounds very peculiar these days … the Liverpool twang seems to have morphed into a rather slurred high-pitched excited whine. (Presumably there has been a mass consensus to speak in this peculiar way?)

  • David

    It has indeed – it’s not nearly so rhythmic and uppy and downy (can you tell I’m not a linguist). And the ‘fur/fair’ thing is definitely different. Only Cilla Black says ‘fur’ coat these days. All the WAGs pronounce it as ‘fair’.

  • Moomin

    Although I’m not from Liverpool, what I found surprising and sad is that in a city full of charmers, raconteurs and natural comedians this show couldn’t find anyone with any actual charisma! Just a vapid collection of ‘shark eyed’ wannabes… shame on anyone allowing Liverpool to be portrayed in this way.

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