Desperate Scousewives. A title in search of a programme. But one that, we feel sure, won’t be lacking in material. We all know what expect from this: fake tans, fake hair and fake… well, you can probably insert your own suggestion here.

This is the latest programme to hit the national airwaves to represent our city. Is it a fair representation? It’s probably reasonable to suggest that it will represent a side of Liverpool. The side that has Alex Gerrard, Abi Clancy, Coleen Rooney and Atomic Kitten sat on it.

We might all know that there’s much more to Liverpool to WAGs, shit bars and marching powder – but we got to wondering just what the outside view of Liverpool is; how the city has been represented on the airwaves in the past on television.

Liverpool has been well-represented on television through the ages. From Z-Cars (that’ll be the ringtone approximate 44 per cent of all scousers have on their phones) to The Onedin Line to the 80s highs of Bleasdale, Russell and McGovern to a bleak 90s of Dockers and Hillsborough.

There’s more along the way, too, from scousey cops to Yosser Hughes to the Bread Streets. Here’s our not-really-to-be-taken-seriously view of modern Liverpool on the telly. And, before we go any further, calm down…

Boys From The Blackstuff

Liverpool 30 years ago. In an age where post-apocalyptic US imports are all the rage it’s fascinating to see our own city – not that long ago – every bit as desolate, hopeless and windblown.

What’s all the more terrifying is that this was the reality of Liverpool a mere three decades ago, ravaged by joblessness.

With the jobs went a certain way of living; a peculiarly Northern working class life that all-but died out in the 80s. It’s still glimpsed in pubs and certain communities now – but Boys From The Blackstuff gives us a view into the past.

It’s grim viewing but it’s also rather beautiful, particularly this clip. George Malone’s memories of the city he lived in, and the recognition of what it’s become set against a backdrop of the docks, virtually unrecognisable. Unemployed.

Brookside

It’s become popular to claim that Brookside was ‘gritty’ and ‘realistic’ but even back in the day with Ricky Tominson and Sue Johnstone it wasn’t exactly Blackstuff.

By the 90s it was an odd mix of broad farce and armchair proselytising, but even this early 80s clip shows the scene rooted in a dull mise-en-scene of humdrum toing and froing.

In that respect perhaps the devil is in the detail – footy and mass and petty class rivalries – but although it certainly had more fire in its belly than the other soaps of the age, the suggestion that Brookie was a missing link between Hard Times, The Grapes of Wrath and Cracker is rather wide of the mark.

As an example of media that connected Liverpool from Boys From the Blackstuff to Hollyoaks – the sublime to the ridiculous – it offers a fascinating insight into how the city changed between those generations.

Bread

Scousers sending themselves up? Or something ore objectionable? Either way there’s a definite ring of familiarity to it all. It arguably takes the same themes and set-up as Blackstuff, but proceeds to treat the subject matter in the same way ‘Allo ‘Allo approached the second world war.

A domineering matriarch, a useless waster, an aspirational (but loveable) wide-boy, a brassy young woman. Arguably these were tropes of the time, rather than the region, but it can’t have failed to escape viewers’ attention that this was, essentially, a family on the rob and cheating the social. All in a recognisable Dingle location too.

To an outsider watching Bread, Liverpool must have seemed like The Addams Family of UK cities.

Liverpool One

Famous (or not) for matching Samantha Janus with her future husband, Liverpool One was not a reality TV show about life in a glittering new shopping centre but a forgettable TV police drama.

Bouncers, gangsters, narks, drugs, families, prostitutes, religion and the occasional shot of the Liver building were about all this show had to bring to the Liverpool-on-telly table. Not even Tom Georgeson could save it.

In this clip Mark Womack drives the most circuitous – and improbable – route of the city centre ever (marvel at the bridge that used to go over the Strand!). It’s as interesting as it ever got.

Merseybeat

Merseybeat was seemingly the answer to the question ‘I wonder what a really dull version of Doctors would be like, only it was about police in Liverpool?’.

The answer was Merseybeat, possibly the most boring show ever seen on television, featuring virtually no scousers. Boring, yet also ludicrous.

Amusingly lampooned by BBC Merseyside’s website in the shape of Scousey Cop, it got a critical panning and underwent a massive revamp that saw Cast provide the theme tune. It was cancelled soon after.

A reality series – full of bumbling cops and grainy CCTV footage – also showed around this time. Mersey Blues may not have had Leslie Ash’s absurdly swollen lips, but it did have a disbelieving suspect repeating “Murder?!” that would have pinged around the internet forever in this day and age.

Hotel

If Bread had The Addams Family, Hotel was The Munsters. A parade of comedy grotesques inhabited the Adelphi and got into a series of scrapes any comedy writer would have laughed off as too ridiculous. The only problem was Hotel was a reality show.

Battleaxe hotel manager Eileen Downey – clearly from the school of management that believes that rudeness, insane micromanagement and snobbery can make up for ineptitude – angry chef David and hopeless disc jockey Carl combine to give the impression of a sitcom half-way between Are You Being Served?, The League of Gentlemen and Catterick.

That the Adelphi is still open at all after the series aired is a triumph in itself.

  • http://www.sevenstreets.com David

    If anyone was unlucky enough to witness Eileen Downey on Watchdog the other week, incompetently and abrasively dismissing the complaints of customers forced to endure the filth and horror of the Britannia-ownded Pontins parks, you’ll realise that this nasty woman is to PR what, well, what The Adelphi is to Liverpool hotels. A shocking disgrace.

  • http://www.sevenstreets.com David

    Poor quality, but worth watching, for a lesson in how NOT to do public relations on telly. The studio bit’s at the end, at 6:35

  • James

    Boo, where’s the Liver Birds?? Life of two (supposedly) Liverpudlian girls living on a shoe string, with some great supporting cast members (the mums & dads).

  • LJ

    You can say what you want about Eileen, the Adelhi and Livepool but this, exactly this, is what sets us apart from everybody else. This is a TEAM, they pulled together and pulled it off. You absolutely can not deny that their hearts were in the right place. All for a £10 bonus…….

  • http://www.sevenstreets.com Robin

    Hotel made the Adelphi look like a laughing stock and Eileen Downey look like the fluffed up self-important tyrant she undoubtedly was.

    Pulling together to get stuff done may be laudable, but the Adelphi was – and is – crippled by the way it’s run; most Britannia hotels seem to be in similar situations across the country.

    We stayed at the Adelphi last year and were rewarded with a dead spider in a gin and tonic – a few months after the Adelphi received a ‘zero-star’ food hygiene rating.

    Take a look at our article – and pay particular attention to the comments after the article too:

    http://www.sevenstreets.com/food-and-drink/adelphi-hotel-liverpool-food-drink/

    If Eileen Downey was what set Liverpool apart from the rest of the country it would be absolutely fucked. Luckily the Liverpool I recognise is nothing like her.

  • Jonny

    “Just cook will yer, just cook.”

  • http://www.sevenstreets.com David

    The Britannia hotels group’s distain for its customers is well known – as any quick Google will attest. Their particular brand of cheap, nasty and unhygienic accommodation is, thankfully, well on its way to extinction, thanks to cheap and cheerful alternatives such as Premier Inn. Their distain for their customers, ultimately, will be their undoing. Shame they took over one of the most handsome buildings in the city. My only hope is that, one day, it will return to a company which actually cares about hospitality.

  • Paul

    Does anybody remember that really odd Sky drama called, i think “Spring Hills”?… I think they were all witches or something. It was odd but compelling.

  • Jenny

    I had a nightmare with Eileen Downey at the Adelphi several years ago! She lied through her teeth to us about international phone calls we had supposedly made from our room (£250 worth in one evening!!) and actually told us she had ‘personally re-dialled all the numbers’ and confirmed that the people the other end knew us and had spoken to us that night! We hadn’t even touched the phone. Took months and months of threatening legal action to get our money back. Britannia weren’t interested and we had to get help from the Tourist Board in the end.

  • Laura-Jane Hall

    You know what, don’t dismiss this. I just watched the Adelphi clip again and this is what sets Liverpool apart from everybody else this is Liverpool at it’s best. Think about it.

  • Sevenstreets

    we’re still thinking…

  • Rachel Gardner

    Having been to the Adelphi on several occasions, and met the formidable Mrs D herself, I had no idea there was a reality show set there! The mind boggles.